Via @noironyintended on Twitter
With the 2017 General Election but weeks away, the prospective leaders of our country are hard at work answering the big questions or making so many u-turns that they are akin to a malfunctioning bumper car. But whilst many questions must be asked about economic proposals and whether “strong and stable” is just a meaningless soundbite used by idiots to feel smart, nobody is asking the big question: Do you crack open a cold one with the boys, or do you have a fuckin’ big bag of cans with the lads.
This question, I think you’ll all agree is possibly the biggest dilemma that has ever faced our nation, and it’s one that needs answering, pronto! So for this blog, and this blog only, call me David Dimblebutler, because it’s Question Time, y’all!
First we must consider the key concepts of both statements; cracking open a cold one with the boys always sounds delightful, the feel of cold aluminium as you pull the ring back and krk-shhh as your cold one is cracked open, and the chilled, soothing amber liquid slowly runs down your throat. It’s undoubtable as well that a cold one with the boys is always a welcome sentiment. “Boys” is a general term and means anybody of any gender, inclusive drinking for everyone.
However, a few faults are to be found within this very sentiment. Yes, you are with the boys, which is equivalent to a modern day Valhalla, but you are having a cold one. One. Singular. Do you mean to say that after an incredibly long day with your nose at the grindstone that you’re merely going to have a cold one with your boys? Have a few cold ones, get a crate in, get them in the fridge and tell some stories. Don’t have a singular cold one, awkwardly look at your watch and make your excuses as you hastily exit the premises, sit down and take a load off your feet. They are your boys, after all. It also implies that you have brought your own personal beer and will not be sharing the wealth of your amber delights with your comrades. Any good sesh fiend, gremlin and attendee knows the value of bringing communal beer. Nothing says “friendship” more than “beer in the fridge mate, help yourself”. Whilst we live in scant, austere times, finding a reasonable offer on an 18 pack should always be at the forefront of our minds. Some may not have access to cold ones, which is where you step in to provide.
Whilst the sheer pleasure of cracking open a cold one crosses generations, genders and gene pools, even those who make the confusing choice not to drink beer can even enjoy cracking open a cold, non-alcoholic, one on a hot summers day and enjoy it with their boys, the statement that you are simply having one is problematic. The way around this? Try to say that you are cracking open a few cold ones with your boys. That implies that you’re in this for the long run! Crack open a pack of playing cards, get a Spotify queue on the go and slip into your drinkin’ trousers, you’re with the boys!
Now we move on to a big fuckin’ bag of cans for/with the lads. This is not only the original concept of sharing beer with the boys, but it implies that the big bag of cans is for all the lads. The big bag of cans is mobile as well. Cracking open a cold one requires some form of refrigeration, and can be considered incredibly static, where as a big bag of cans doesn’t require refrigeration, just the lads to enjoy them. The enjoyment of said cans can vary when in an unrefrigerated environment, which makes can choice paramount, whereas chilled cans of any variety remain enjoyable. However, it is not the temperature of the cans that is important, but the pleasure of the company of the lads.
A big huge fuckin’ bag of cans can be enjoyed anywhere, from your local park to a wide scale music festival, a big bag of cans will always be a welcome experience, meaning that all the lads can share in its alcoholic bounty. Referring back to an earlier point, some lads may not be able to afford cans, which is where you, a responsible and caring lad can make sure this lad does not go without adequate refreshment. Your lad may be anyone from your pal Smithy to your local priest to Mrs Goggins who lives down the road and hasn’t been the same since her husband passed on: it is your duty to provide cans for the lads.
However, as pointed out by notable internet shitposter, Clara Lilley, founder of Sex and the Cityposting on Facebook, the boys focuses on the social element of the sesh, where as a big bag of cans focuses on the property, the goods, the capital. But, with that in consideration and taking the two statements at face value, a big bag of cans with/for the lads implies that the property is being equally distributed and the refreshing wealth is being shared, where as a cold one with, not for the boys implies that that is your personal property and you shan’t be sharing any of your cans with your lads, denying them an equal refreshment opportunity. You are not duty bound to share your cans, but there’s something not quite right about denying someone a can.
That being said, as mentioned earlier, if you are cracking open a few cold ones with your boys, there is a likelihood that you have either a) combined your shared wealth to buy an ample supply of cans or b) bought enough cans for the boys, either is acceptable.
Some are quick to denounce cracking open a cold one with the boys as blasphemy compared to a big huge fuckin’ bag of cans with the lads, but both carry the same message of coming together with the lads, or boys to enjoy a few cans in any location, which carries the messsage of a united society that bonds over the good times that can be he when sharing a few cans. In an age where hate and evil seeks to divide us, reach through the firewall of hate to offer your fellow lad a can.
VERDICT
Whilst both statements imply comradeship, a big fuckin’ huge bag of cans with the lads is the original concept, and can be enjoyed by anyone in any location. Round up your lads, round up your cans and get sharing. If you do decide that cracking open a cold one with the boys is your preferred method of beverage consumption, I shan’t stand in your way. You have chosen a different path and while I struggle to understand, I respect you, and shall raise a huge fuckin’ big bag of cans to you.
Oliver Butler 